NEVER SAY 'NEVER'

'Why is she crying? What does she want? Neville please carry her, she's driving me crazy'... Its been 5 months now and its almost every night that I scream the following statement to my husband. Well... carry her, give her the pacifier, let her chew her thumb, let her watch TV for 10 min, Let her sleep with us.. these are a few words that come out of my mouth very often these days

It was in January 2010 that I got to know I was entering into a new world of fun, excitement and responsibility. Yes! I was going to be a mother and before I could even go to my first appointment with my OBGYN thoughts started flowing into my head about how am I gonna bring up my daughter. There were many good thoughts, a few apprehensive, a few emotional, a few about what I'm gonna teach my baby and a few what I'm not gonna teach her.. Little did I know that the 'not gonna teach' part would be the most difficult one.

I spent a great deal of time talking to experienced mothers over the phone when I was expecting, taking a lot of advice from them. While some told me not to make it a habit of carrying her, while some others told me use home remedies to relieve my baby from the bad cold she had and some more telling me to make my own baby food. Mind you, this conversation started way before Giselle even had a mouth developed in my stomach. Man! what was I thinking.

So, it was everyday, almost everyday, that I kept telling my husband what he needed to tell the nurse after I delivered my baby (I had to tell him 'coz i never knew if I would be in a state to even speak after my delivery) with warning signals to him. I remember telling him - tell the nurse NO pacifier and NO formula for sure. I also reminded my husband to give me the courage to let my baby cry and not carry her when she did with the fear of 'spoiling her'. And guess what I actually did all these things. The nurse didn't give G the pacifier, nor did they formula feed her when she cried at the nursery for milk, nor did I carry her when she cried at home (I only know how I managed to do that), nor did I let my parents carry her the 2 months they were in the US.

Giselle did just fine for the first 2 months of her military regiment, and then all hell broke loose the time she turned 3 months. She would cry her guts out day in and day out, night in and night out. My parents left for India and I was left all alone the entire day to take care of my daughter. Blame it on the lack of sleep or the tricks my daughter played on me (as if she was waiting for my parents to leave to teach me a lesson for putting her through the military regiment) that I started doing all that I had decided not to do in the fear of 'spoiling her'. Look at the irony here. I told my husband not to get her used to certain practises with a 'warning signal' when I went ahead and did just that with a 'smile on my face' just to escape all the frustration I had to go through if I had not done it. I carried her when I had decided I would never carry her when she wanted me to for the fear of 'spoiling her', I put her next to me at night when I had decided that I would always keep her in the crib for the fear of 'she wont be independent otherwise', I gave her the pacifier when I decided I would not for the fear of her 'getting used to it', I gave her a dose of pain killer even before she got her vaccines when I decided that I would never give her the antibiotic for the fear of 'her getting used to medicines' and more over I gave her jar foods when I had decided that home food was best for her and jar foods where filled with preservatives. Damn! how did I get here and how did I get into this mess of getting her into the habit of things I never wanted her to get into.

Lately my favourite to keep my daughter from crying is letting her watch TV. I still remember the days when I used to tell Neville - 'Just few more months and then we can not watch TV, 'coz I don't want my baby to get used to it' and today I, myself prop her in front of the television so I could go ahead and finish some of my work. Am I being a nice mother or what! There are a lot of guilty feeling I go through when I do these things, but don't judge me yet. I know most of the mothers who take care of their children in a foreign country where there is no help whatsoever will agree with me, while the ones who are not yet mothers will agree with me someday.

So look at this, five months old and my daughter has gotten into all the 'habits' I 'never' wanted her to get into and for sure there are many more 'habits' to come. So I finally decided that from now on I shall never say 'NEVER'